The Untold Adventures of Odysseus
by dragon-boogies
Summary: The untold tales of Odysseus's adventure are finally revealed. What is Uggtopia, and who are the Stereotypical White Girl Hipsters? All questions are answered in this never before seen tale of the secret adventures of Odysseus. This will mostly be standalone one shots. Rated T for descriptions of violence.


Odysseus stood on the deck of his one remaining ship. On their voyage back home to beloved Ithaca, he and his men had once again spotted land; once again the land was an island. Odysseus had a passing thought to himself that he was going to have a bad case of islandphobia before their voyage was over. He shuddered.

As they neared the shore of the island, Odysseus and his men saw that there were a couple of dozen women on the beach awaiting their arrival. He and his men quickly anchored their ship and made their way to the island. Odysseus had been to enough islands that he knew to leave half of his men on the ship with Eurylochus while the other half went with him. As their skiff hurridly made its way, the water that annoyingly splashed them was lacking the familiar taste and scent of normal seawater. It was less salty somehow.

When they finally arrived on the beach, Odysseus noticed a stark constrast between how women normally dressed and how these women did. These women wore some type of tight gray pants that were tucked inside of furry boots on their feet. The boots had some type of lettering on the back heel. He could make out an Upsilon and two Gammas, with the middle Gamma bigger than the other two letters. The boots were in varying colors: blacks, blues, and pinks; most were cream. On their torsos they wore a knit shirt with an odd round scarf around their neck. In one hand they held a white cup with a green lady on it, and in the other they held a small rectangular device that was either gold, dark gray, or white; all of the devices had what looked like an apple with a bite out of it. The women all wore their hair long, but pinned up in a circle-type shape on the back of their heads. Their eyes were each framed with black metal squares encasing glass. These squares, which they all looked through, were held up by the girls' noses and ears. Odysseus wondered what world these women had come from. He had seen some weird things, but this was an entirely different ball game for him.

"Hello and welcome to Uggtopia!," they chorused together. "We are the Stereotypical White Girl Hipsters!" they chanted in high pitched and whiny voices. "We love UGGs, vintage Instagram filters, and Edward Cullen!"

Odysseus was beyond confused by now. He and his men stood gaping at the young girls, who only posed, smiled, and squealed together, "But first, let me take a selfie." They then proceeded to hold up the devices they held facing towards them. Their lips pursed together in what looked like some sort of duck face. The objects in their hands flashed multiple times as if lightning was flashing all around them. He and his men flinched and covered their eyes from the bright lights.

"In fact, we love Edward Cullen so much that we think every guy should have a chance to be like him! So, and you'll be happy to hear this, you get to be killed and turned into a VAMPIRE!"

Odysseus stilll had no idea what these girls were talking about, but he knew that he didn't like the sound of being killed. About a dozen of the girls gave the objects in their hands to some nearby girls and started slowly walking towards he and his crew. The girls held their hands up like claws, and Odysseus could see that their nails were deadly sharp, blood red, and perfectly manicured. They had mischievous, even murderous smiles on their faces. Odysseus's thoughts ran wild trying to find a way to escape. "Wait!" he cried, buying time for him to perfect his plan. "Don't you think that you should tell us who Edward Cullen is before we become like him?"

"Oh, how could we have forgotten!" they chorused, sounding ashamed of themselves; the girls who had been stalking towards the men slapped their hands to their faces and said "facepalm" for some odd reason. With that, the girls launched into the story of how Bella Swan moved from Phoenix, Arizona to Forks, Washington where it rained all the time. Blah blah blah, Bella and Edward fall in love, Edward saves Bella from certain death a couple of times, then leaves her, Bella hangs with Jacob who turns into a werewolf, and if that isn't confusing enough, he's not a werewolf after all, he's a shapeshifter! Anyways, Bella and Jacob fall in love, blah blah blah.

When they had stopped explaining everything, Odysseus had some time to think while the girls drank from their cups to soothe their parched throats. One of the girls offered to share her drink, and as she handed it to him, Odysseus caught the scent of her purfume which made him fondly remember the fall festivities he had attended growing up in Ithaca. As he drank, he was momentarily shocked by how bitter and cold the beverage was. While he recovered from his moment of shock, he was pleasantly surprised to discover that pumpkins and spice was not only the scent of her perfume, but it was also the taste of her drink. There was also some fluffy stuff on the top that tasted incredibly sugary and sweet, and in retrospect it made the drink much less bitter.

Odysseus noticed that the sun was already setting, though they had arrived shortly after sunrise. No wonder everyone's throats were dry. The girls had worn them out while ranting on and on about this thing called Twilight.

Suddenly, the perfect plan struck Odysseus. He just had to set in motion. "So all of you are team Edward?" Odysseus asked the girls craftily.

"Of course!" they answered.

"Well if you guys are truely hipsters, don't you think that you should be team Jacob? After all, team Edward is way too mainstream."

The girls looked at each other in confusion at this. "Yeah, wouldn't it be?" one girl asked her peers. "No, we can't abandon team Edward now, we're still waiting for the fourth book to come out!" another replied. "But Jacob and Bella are obviously going to get together! Bella even said herself that they would be a couple if they were regular people," offered a third.

With that, the house was divided. The men were able to quietly sneak away under the cover of the setting sun and the sound of various girls saying "Team Edward!" or "Team Jacob!"

As they started to row away to their ship, Ulysses heard one of the girls say, "You're the one who said we should change the sea around our island to fresh water because seawater was too mainstream!" He heard a few snickers and laughs from his men at this.

For once, the crew was able to make it to the ship and sail away to their next adventure without losing any men. Odysseus hoped that they would be able to say the same for their next stop, but he had learned that you never know with the Mediterranean. One day you almost get eaten by a seven-headed flying moster, the next you almost get killed by self-proclaimed Stereotypical White Girl Hipsters.


End file.
